When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi #BOOKREVIEWS

School is done, which means Summer is finally here and I am finally back to blogging! Get prepared for hopefully a big load of blog posts within the following weeks, as I am finally able to put time back into the things that I enjoy doing, whilst preparing for my gap year and uni! Get ready!!! 😊

What I expected was a beautiful novel about a middle-aged man who gets cancer but that is also a neurosurgeon. (I mean, as beautiful as that can be.) Stupid me should have definitely read the description properly, because what I had in my hands was not just another cancer novel, but the real life story and thoughts of a real neurosurgeon who gets lung cancer, written in a sort of autobiographical way. I was actually genuinely excited to read a fiction work about someone with cancer, so I have to admit that I did feel a little bit let down when I read the first few pages of the first chapter and had to come to a different realization: that this book was going to be very different from what I had expected it to be. Nevertheless, I decided to read the rest of the book with an open mind and forget about what I had anticipated it to be about, and that turned out to a very good idea.

But before I tell you what I thought of Paul Kalanithi's work, here's a better overview of what the novel is actually about:

“At the age of thirty-six, on the verge of completing a decade’s training as a neurosurgeon, Paul Kalanithi was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer. One day he was a doctor treating the dying, the next he was a patient struggling to live. When Breath Becomes Air chronicles Kalanithi’s transformation from a medical student asking what makes a virtuous and meaningful life into a neurosurgeon working in the core of human identity – the brain – and finally into a patient and a new father. What makes life worth living in the face of death? What do you do when when life is catastrophically interrupted? What does it mean to have a child as your own life fades away? Paul Kalanithi died while working on this profoundly moving book, yet his words live on as a guide to us all. When Breath Becomes Air is a life-affirming reflection on facing our mortality and on the relationship between doctor and patient, from a gifted writer who became both.”  

(- Source: Amazon U.K.)

It's not a long book itself with only about 220 pages, but the first few pages did seem a little tiring. I found it a little hard to get into the novel, particularly because I felt like some scenes about his youth didn't really seem to add up to the story that the actual novel was about.

The beginning of the novel to me seemed a little too slow and too little thought-through, but throughout the following pages Paul's words and story seem to be getting stronger and more interesting, the further his story and illness progresses. He manages to give both a wonderful insight into the hard work that neurosurgeons all over the world are facing every day, whilst also showing what cancer can do to your mind and life, and how he tried to work and deal with it.

At times it did feel like the focus was set more on his life and story as a neurosurgeon, rather than his actual dealings with cancer. whether that's a problem for you I guess depends on what you're looking for in a book like that. If you only want to get an insight into someone's cancer story, then maybe it is not “the” novel you're looking for. 

Personally I found it really interesting to get an insight into the work of a neurosurgeon, how he has to and does deal with certain things most of us don't even think about when we see these people working. It's very eye-opening in that case, probably because it is written from such a personal angle, because I feel like, way too often, doctors are not really given full acknowledgement for what they do and what they have to deal with in their personal life in order to pursue their work.

If you want to read this book, I definitely recommend at least a slight interest in medicine/neurology, because otherwise, I am not sure how much of a pleasure it will be for you to read.

But please don't get me wrong here – I am not trying to tell you that this is a bad novel or that you shouldn't read it! Definitely not! Yes the beginning is a little slow, yes it's not a perfect piece of written art, but Paul Kalanithi has done a great job at opening eyes. And he does tell it kind of like a story, it's not written like it's just a long article about his life events, and I think that's also what makes it really interesting.

All in all, I'd probably give this book a 3,5 out of 5 stars. It's a little slow at times, and probably not something for someone that isn't at least in the slightest interested in neurology or working in medicine, but it is definitely worth a read. With a beautiful style of writing, Paul Kalanithi tells the reader about his work and life threatening terminal cancer, his experiences, struggles and dealing with both and therefore gives a wonderful insight into what it is like to be both a neuroscientist and a cancer patient, which is really eye-opening. If that sounds like it could be something you're interested in, definitely give it a read. It's not the best book on earth, but it's definitely a good one! 

Have a wonderful week everyone ♥

The Past & the Future - Looking Forward | 2018

To say that 2017 was a good year for me would be a lie, but then so would be saying that it was completely bad. It just wasn't the same as the years before.

Pretty much since 2012 I had been on a constant high every year. Everything was working out just fine. Yes there were moments of struggle that weren't that fun, but overall I had the best time of my life in the years between 2012 and 2016, and grew more than ever (in a mental way obviously haha). I traveled loads, wrote a ton, grew confidence, learned to be myself, worked hard and did everything to live a happy life.

In these aspects, 2017 was no different, but somehow it still seems like a downer compared to the years before. But I knew it would be coming. Throughout these 4 years I was constantly scared for that down, because, thinking realistically, I knew it would come sooner or later, whether I wanted to or not.

Particularly in the second half of the year, I really struggled. I couldn't get myself to work out regularly anymore, couldn't get myself to write anymore, which also had its impact on this blog, as you might have noticed, I photographed less, I felt like I was working less hard for school and getting lazier than ever, which I hate because I love working but I just often couldn't get myself to do it. And also, all of a sudden I started re-thinking all of my plans for my post A-Level future all over again. Moreover, I also managed to break my rule of not giving a shit about men and relationships until after my A-Levels. Don't get me wrong, I definitely don't regret my choices - it just sucks a little when things don't turn out the way you want them to, but sometimes life just has different plans for you I guess.

To sum it up, my mental health in the second half of the year wasn't that great, and it's still not back to where I would like it to be, although I know that, eventually, I will find my way back to the road. I don't know what it was that set this downfall of, but yeah.

This year has started off with me completely not being in the mood for new year. Not because I didn't want a fresh start, but just because mentally I was not in the right mindset for it. I usually love New Year's and making resolutions and doing lots of planning and looking back. This year was different. But now, a few days into the year, I feel like I am slowly getting into the right mind set of wanting to leave 2017 in the past and looking forward.

But for now, let's reflect on some of the awesome stuff that happened last year because, nevertheless, there were still many wonderful things that happened.

THE FUN SIDE OF 2017

The year started off with snow, fun birthday parties and also writing loads. Just a day after Valentine's day I managed to finish writing the first draft of my NaNoWriMo 2016 novel with 123,7k words and 145 pages. That was definitely an achievement. I am yet to write about 95% of the second draft, but I hope that eventually I will actually work my way through that because I am actually quite proud of my work, even though the plot still needs a lot of improving.

Me and one of my best friends also started a habit of going for breakfast every now and then and even though I hate getting up so early, I have really found a love for these breakfast meetings.

I had planned on reading 40 books throughout the year, which I didn't do, but I finally got a bit more adventurous with my reading. George Orwell, Jane Austen, Truman Capote, biographies about Michelle Obama - basically a lot of stuff that wasn't my basic young adult or science-fiction novel - and I enjoyed it a lot. I started reading a lot of these due to the fact that I thought about applying for university in Scotland, which I later realized I do not have the funds for, but I am still very glad I did so and I am planning on reading more of that stuff and experiment more.

In May I went to see Shawn Mendes in concert, and even though the people around me were not giving away great concert and singing vibes at all, I still had the best time, and I am still muchly in love with Shawn's album and also James TW's music.

I also spent loads of time with my godchild, which I adore, I spent hours and hours driving through my area blasting out Harry's and Niall's album or whatever the hell was on the radio. There were BBQs on the river, shopping trips to Frankfurt and amusement parks. Basically I took the year to spend a lot more time with my friends, and I really enjoyed that.

And then, at the start of June the long-awaited day finally came, and I went off on an adventure I shall never forget. For a whole month I lived in central Brighton with a sweet, elderly couple and also did work experience in tourism. I was always scared I couldn't work in a company that only speaks English, even if my English isn't bad, but let me tell you - I loved it, even if sometimes I just couldn't wait to get out of there for the day. Although I don't really think that was due to the place I worked at. The team was really really lovely and I enjoyed working with them, but if you are living in Brighton for just one month and you love traveling, you just want to go out and explore. And I did do a lot of that. Not as much as I thought I would, but you know what, I can always go back, and I am really happy with what I did get to see and experience. 

Nevertheless, I did still see a lot of new places and make a lot of new experiences, and particularly, ticked a lot of things off of my bucket list. I mean I was always joking about how my perfect way of meeting Danielle Peazer would be getting to dance and work out with her - well, guess who did exactly that all in one evening, after almost having a melt down because all trains were delayed and I had to practically sprint straight to London from my first day at work. It was the best night ever, and even though I knew no one else, I had so much fun, and I loved meeting Danielle and talking to her. That's definitely an experience I would love to re-live.

I went to London a few times. I saw the Queen, Kate, William, the kids, everyone, I explored new parts of London, I explored all of Brighton that I could, spent hours at the beach and strolling through the supermarket and WHSmiths. I'm really grateful I got to experience that month. England just makes me so happy, and whatever the hell I eventually turn out to do during my gap year, I am most definitely going back to Brighton, because it somehow feels like my second home now.

I came back home to a whole of six weeks ahead of me, which I loved spending with my friends during game nights, in the park, amusement parks, shopping or whatever the hell else we did.

And I also got to tick off something else of my bucket list - going to Greece. I have been wanting to go ever since I was really young, so when I finally persuaded my parents and we decided to go to Greece in the Summer, I was pretty much over the moon. Even though we didn't explore as much of Crete as I would have liked to, due to the location of our (awesome!) hotel, I still had a fab time. It's such a pretty country and I would love to explore more of it in the future.

Some time after the new school year started we also went to London and Bournemouth on our last ever school trip, and we had a fab time, even though it definitely not go completely smoothly. When you have the right people to spend your time with, not even bad weather or curfews can destroy your trip. I wish I could go back to that time.

I went to see my favourite German comedian, went to the book fair and met some authors, got close to a special person, went on an Autumn photography trips and took a billion weird Snapchat photos.

And throughout all of that I still went to school and had a heck of a lot to do with exams and homework, but in a few months time that will all be over, and I'm probably going to miss always having something to do for school. I just love working too much sometimes I guess. Yeah, I know, I'm weird.

The year ended with celebrating my birthday with my favourite people, a pretty relaxing Christmas, seeing "The Greatest Showman" in the cinema and a New Year's party, so overall I'd say, there were still many fun and successful moments of 2017.

I probably missed a lot because I literally just scrolled through my camera roll and I didn't take pictures of everything I did but oh well, I guess you'll do just about fine with what you've got.

GOALS FOR 2018

I have concluded not to write down a bunch of goals I want to achieve this year, because in the end, I'm not going to do half of these things anyway. In past years I put stuff on that list like wanting to work out 6 days a week, eat healthier, read 40 books and write 5,000 words per week, and as much as that's great, I just don't feel like it works for me right now.

You know how many times I have worked out so far this year? I think I did about 3 yoga videos. You know how many healthy things I've had since the start of the year? I've had salad twice and a little bit of fruit to snack on once. Apart from that I have been living on whatever the hell I've been craving. And you know what - I'm fucking fine with it. I do feel better when I work out, and I enjoy that feeling after a really good workout and seeing yourself getting more toned, but I don't want to spend my life constantly thinking about how toned my abs are. If I want a fucking burger, I'm gonna have that fucking burger and not give a fuck about whether I'll bloat afterwards or how it isn't exactly healthy. If I want a burger, so be it. If I want a salad, so be it. If I just want to stuff my face with whatever food I find all day, so be it. Not feeling like working out for two weeks straight? Fine with that. Feeling like signing up to a gym again and going to all the classes in a week? Fine too.

In the past few years I have spent way too much time restricting myself and giving myself "orders" in terms of fitness and food. I don't want to do that anymore. Yes, your health is important. But health means physical and mental health, and if those two aren't cooperating, it's just not healthy. Does that make any sense? I hope it does.

So then what are my plans for 2018 you might think? To sum it up in few words, I would basically just say I want to live my life however the fuck I want, I want to do everything that makes me happy, I want to find love for my passions again, I want to love life and stop worrying about everything. I just want to enjoy my life this year, and make sure that I get my mental health back up there. Life is too short to worry about everything. This year I just want to enjoy myself and live the best life I can. I now realize that this must sound kinda cringey maybe, but so be it.

Talking about goals, I had actually planned on going to bed a little earlier tonight because I wasn't really feeling it, even though I had been staying up until about 3am in the past few days. Well, it's already 1.20am, and I could probably still be writing down for hours if I let myself, but we all know I don't do short texts anyway, so I better not let myself keep writing for too long, because you are probably bored out already. If not, thank you very much haha.

Concerning this blog, I don't know what I am going to do. I would like to think that I will finally start blogging properly again, but I am not going to promise anything. I had a really good time on this blog in the past two years, even if I haven't really uploaded much since I went to England, but I just need to overcome my fear of this taunting blank page right now, and also find out what it is that I want to talk about on this blog. There might be some topic changes compared to what there was before, there might not be. I am not sure yet. I also won't give myself an uploading schedule as long as my A-Level exams are still in eye-sight. But I'd like to think that over the next few months I will find my way back to this blog a few more times than in the past few weeks, because I really enjoy dropping my thoughts into the world, and I do love writing, even though I have barely done so in the past few months. I just need to find the way back to myself and find out what I want and need, so we'll see how that goes. Right now, as I am writing this, I have to say that this is awfully satisfying to do so again, but I am almost sure it will take me a lot of motivation to start another plain document in the next few days so let's see about that.

EXITING PLANS

Apart from talking about resolutions and blogging, there is also some other stuff happening in 2018 that are both exiting and scary to think of.

This is the year, that after 13 years of school, tremendous loads of homework, exams, tears, drama and all that goes along with it, I will (if all goes to plan, which I think it hopefully will) finish school this Summer. It's so weird to think that I am not going to go back there, but instead start something completely knew. I mean, yes, uni is still kind of similar, but it's still a big step. There's still a road ahead before I will finally set off into the proper working world, but still, it's a big step.

And with finishing my A-Levels also comes the thought of what I am going to do after that. I am going to be taking a gap year, that I am sure of. What exactly my plans will be, that is still in the works, but I shall let you know, once all is in secure sheets.

Apart from that I have already got a trip to Bulgaria planned with people from school, which will happen shortly after we get our certificates, and a Paris and Sweden trip are in the works as well.

Oh and I am going to turn 20 this year! What the freaking heck? How did that happen? Didn't I get that lego box for my 4th birthday like yesterday? I'm still not ready to adult - heeeeelp!

I'm exited to see what the year will bring. A lot is going to change, that is for sure, but I am hoping that these changes will be for the best. I mean, fate better know what its plans are for me. I am scared of the time after my A-Levels, scared of loosing touch with people who have found a very dear place in my heart, scared of what will happen to me and what I will do or will not do. It's scary to think of, but I am just going to try and make the best of whatever life throws at me. I want to make 2018 better than 2017. I am grateful for everything that happened to me in 2017, because it shaped me, but I am exited to work even harder to live my life to the fullest this year. I'm ready for you 2018, bring it on!

What are your goals for 2018? What are you looking forward to? 

I hope you have a fabulous year!

Love, Jacqueline Xx

Why I Took A Blogging Break

Bloody hell, why are white pages so scary? Especially after having been able to avoid them for over two months I feel like it has become a lot easier for me to keep avoiding them.

Even though my blog is yet to reach the point where it attracts a wide range of attention, I still feel kind of bad for not posting anything in the past two months.

The last time I uploaded was during my Greece holiday at the beginning of August. Shortly after coming home I went back to school and started my final year of school. A-Levels are getting closer and closer every day, and I did not think year 13 could be more stressy than year 12. Well, turns out it is. Or I've just forgotten how much pressure and stress was hanging in the air last year. Could be both, who knows haha.

But I don't want to say school was the only excuse for why I didn't blog at all since August. I kind of just  lost the spark. I found myself thinking about writing a new post, but somehow I couldn't get myself to open a new page and start writing. I just completely lost the motivation to blog, if I am honest with you, and the load of school work on top of that didn't really help that either.

So I just wanted to say that I am really sorry for being so quiet, although I am probably correct when I say that every blogger needs a break from blogging from time to time.

I wish I could promise you that I will be blogging more in the sooner future, but I know better than to do that. Autumn break is just about to start but so does starting to study for my A-Levels and school is only off for two weeks before we are blown right back into it.

I'm not going to promise anything apart from the fact that I am going to try and post whenever I can and feel ready to do so. I am no longer going to force myself to post something every week because I really feel like that puts a lot more pressure on this hobby than it should.

There is still a bunch of pictures left from going to Greece and our school trip to England, so maybe I'll share those with you soon. There's not a properly planned schedule though, so I am open to any suggestions of topics you would like me to talk about. So for now, that's it. See you back on my blog, hopefully very soon.

Until then, have a wonderful time! :)

Love,

Jacqueline Xx

Haul of the Holiday: Geeking Out in Greece

Welcome to a new post!

While you're reading this, I should hopefully be sitting on a beautiful, sunny beach in the gorgeous country that is Greece. I've been looking forward to this trip for a while, as I have never been to Greece before. But as I love reading, and I also can't just spent the whole time on the beach by sleeping, because I hate being unproductive, I thought I would at least treat myself to a few new books for the beach times. Yes, that's not technically being productive, but at least I feel like I'm doing something haha. Let's hope I'll kind of find a way of actually relaxing by reading. Usually that works...at least for a little while.

I picked up three books, which might be a little over ambitious for such a short amount of time and depending on how much time we'll actually spend at the beach, but I like to be prepared. If I only end up finishing one of these, because we're having so much fun that's fine too. I'm not there just to read after all. At least I am hoping that I can persuade my fam to do a little bit of exploring around the area we're staying in. 😊

Dunkirk: The History Behind The Major Motion Picture - Joshua Levine

You might have seen the trailer and adverts for the new Christopher Nolan film named 'Dunkirk' (featuring the gorgeous Mr. Harry Styles). I really want to go and see the film, but before that, I really want to learn something about the actual historic events that the movie talks about. If, like me before I heard about the film, don't know what Dunkirk is about (we don't learn about that in school over here), here's a small summary from the back of the book. I'm really exited to find out more about what happened back then.

" The Battle of Dunkirk, in May/June 1940, is remembered as a stunning defeat, yet a major victory as well. The Nazis had beaten back the Allies and pushed them across France to the northern port of Dunkirk. In the ultimate race against time, more than 300,000 Allied soldiers were daringly evacuated across the Channel. This moment of German aggression was used by Winston Churchill as a call to Franklin Roosevelt to enter the war. Now, historian Joshua Levine explores the real lives of those soldiers, bombed and strafed on the beaches for days on end, without food or ammunition; the civilians whose boats were overloaded; the airmen who risked their lives to buy their companions on the ground precious time; and those who did not escape."

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets - Joanne K. Rowling

Why the hell is she buying a Harry Potter book, shouldn't she already own one if she's a Potterhead? Well, yes she does own this book already but she has never read the whole series in English, although many many MANY times in German. Don't know why the hell I was talking about myself in third person there haha.

Basically, I feel like it's finally time to re-read the whole series again, after not having re-read it completely in about three years, which is a long time for me not to re-read Harry Potter, let me tell you. And this time I'm finally doing it in English.

I just finished re-reading the Philosopher's Stone again, so now it's time to explore the Chamber of Secrets again...although, to be fair, it's my least favourite book of the series...Sorry, if that sentence just broke any hearts, it's just the truth. 🙈😃

Unfiltered - Lily Collins

Finally I got this book in my hands. I've been exited to read Lily's book, basically since the day she announced that she was writing one. (Can we also please talk about her gorgeous British accent in "Love, Rosie"?) I don't know exactly what she is talking about, apart from the fact that it has some autobiographical bits and life tips included, but otherwise it's going to be a complete surprise. But as Dunkirk is quite the heavy book, I felt like it would be perfect to take this one with me as well, as it's a much lighter and easier read. I mean, it's all about balance, isn't it?

If I somehow manage to actually get through all three of these books, which I don't think I am, I have also got the book "The Circle" waiting for me on my Kindle, just in case. I really want to read that one since I saw the trailer for the film with Emma Watson and thought it sounded awesome, so that's definitely on my TBR list, whether it's for Greece or later in the year.

Do you have any recommendations on things to do or places to go in Crete? Definitely share them with us in comments below. I'm open to any suggestions, because I really want to do some exploring  whilst we're over there (my mum will hate me for this haha).

Also, any other book recommendations - just leave them below, if you like. :)

Have a gorgeous week! ♥

Love, Jacqueline Xx

Stylish Duchess On A Budget

Welcome to a new post!

It's no secret that I have a slight (okay, maybe not so slight) obsession with a certain Duchess of Cambridge. But honestly - look at this woman - how can you not love her? I do have to say that I don't always love every single outfit that she wears, but they are more than a few that I am absolutely in love with. However, if you have ever checked to see how much any of the dresses that she wears cost, and you don't own a shit load of money, or a money growing tree, you probably know that it's useless even dreaming about getting one of her gorgeous dresses.

The idea to do a series, where I decide on a certain person and try to find pieces to recreate their looks for less money has been on my mind for a while, and I couldn't resist any longer, when I saw Catherine in that stunning red Summer dress in Berlin.
I feel like three outfits is the perfect number for a blog post like this, but if you would prefer more or less outfits in one post in future posts of this series, let me know.

Also, just as a little note, she wore all three of these outfits on her's and William's tour to Germany (and Poland), because otherwise there would have been no way I could have decided on just three outfits.

I get that not all of these are perfect replicas of the things she was actually wearing, but then again, not everywhere sells the same pieces. I tried my best to find really similar ones though. Some of them are still not very cheap, but they were the best that I could find, I hope that's alright with you.

#1 Berlin

Let's start off with my favourite outfit of all of them. This one's from Berlin. A casual but also elegant, cherry red, maxi summer dress.

Vero Moda/ASOS - £36/41.99€

ASOS - £25/33,99€

Billabong/ASOS - £41/55,99€

ASOS - £25/33,99€

ASOS - £25/33,99€

#2 Heidelberg

Next up, the one from Heidelberg, which I would have nearly gone and seen live but my schedule was a bit full, and sadly Heidelberg is still over two hours away on a train from my where I live. It's such a beautiful city though. This time, Kate wore a beautiful, floral, yellow and white dress. It was hard to find anything similar, but I tried my best to find the closest "copy", as it's such a pretty dress.

Boohoo - £15/23€

Boohoo - currently on sale for £18/27€

Boohoo/ASOS - £35/52,99€

ASOS - £30/40,99€

New Look - £22.99/29,99€

Dune London/Zalando - 80€

Parfois/Zalando - 29.95€

Menbur/Zalando - currently on sale for 41,95€

ASOS - currently on sale for £28/47,99€

#3 Hamburg

Last but not least, Kate's very basic but pretty lavender, almost midi dress. It's very bright, but somehow she makes the colour work so well.

Boohoo - £15/24€

Boohoo - £30/45€

Boohoo - £25/38€

Y.A.S./ASOS - £60/69,99€

New Look - currently on sale for £6/8€

Topshop/Zalando - currently on sale for 48,95€

Topshop - £46/64€

Boohoo - £8/12€

New Look/ASOS - £15,99/21,99€

ASOS - £25/33,99€

ASOS - currently on sale for £38/64,99€

ASOS - £25/33,99€

Sooo, that's it. How do you like this type of post? Do you want to see more of it?
Is there anyone else you would like me to create a little 'on a budget' post with? I am open for any suggestions, as I really loved putting this post together.

Have a nice day ♥

Love, Jacqueline Xx

P.S. This post is not sponsored. The rights for the pictures used above go to their rightful owners! I do not claim any copyright etc. for them! The pictures above have been part of this blog post for fun and inspiration only, not to gain money.