The Past & the Future - Looking Forward | 2018

To say that 2017 was a good year for me would be a lie, but then so would be saying that it was completely bad. It just wasn't the same as the years before.

Pretty much since 2012 I had been on a constant high every year. Everything was working out just fine. Yes there were moments of struggle that weren't that fun, but overall I had the best time of my life in the years between 2012 and 2016, and grew more than ever (in a mental way obviously haha). I traveled loads, wrote a ton, grew confidence, learned to be myself, worked hard and did everything to live a happy life.

In these aspects, 2017 was no different, but somehow it still seems like a downer compared to the years before. But I knew it would be coming. Throughout these 4 years I was constantly scared for that down, because, thinking realistically, I knew it would come sooner or later, whether I wanted to or not.

Particularly in the second half of the year, I really struggled. I couldn't get myself to work out regularly anymore, couldn't get myself to write anymore, which also had its impact on this blog, as you might have noticed, I photographed less, I felt like I was working less hard for school and getting lazier than ever, which I hate because I love working but I just often couldn't get myself to do it. And also, all of a sudden I started re-thinking all of my plans for my post A-Level future all over again. Moreover, I also managed to break my rule of not giving a shit about men and relationships until after my A-Levels. Don't get me wrong, I definitely don't regret my choices - it just sucks a little when things don't turn out the way you want them to, but sometimes life just has different plans for you I guess.

To sum it up, my mental health in the second half of the year wasn't that great, and it's still not back to where I would like it to be, although I know that, eventually, I will find my way back to the road. I don't know what it was that set this downfall of, but yeah.

This year has started off with me completely not being in the mood for new year. Not because I didn't want a fresh start, but just because mentally I was not in the right mindset for it. I usually love New Year's and making resolutions and doing lots of planning and looking back. This year was different. But now, a few days into the year, I feel like I am slowly getting into the right mind set of wanting to leave 2017 in the past and looking forward.

But for now, let's reflect on some of the awesome stuff that happened last year because, nevertheless, there were still many wonderful things that happened.

THE FUN SIDE OF 2017

The year started off with snow, fun birthday parties and also writing loads. Just a day after Valentine's day I managed to finish writing the first draft of my NaNoWriMo 2016 novel with 123,7k words and 145 pages. That was definitely an achievement. I am yet to write about 95% of the second draft, but I hope that eventually I will actually work my way through that because I am actually quite proud of my work, even though the plot still needs a lot of improving.

Me and one of my best friends also started a habit of going for breakfast every now and then and even though I hate getting up so early, I have really found a love for these breakfast meetings.

I had planned on reading 40 books throughout the year, which I didn't do, but I finally got a bit more adventurous with my reading. George Orwell, Jane Austen, Truman Capote, biographies about Michelle Obama - basically a lot of stuff that wasn't my basic young adult or science-fiction novel - and I enjoyed it a lot. I started reading a lot of these due to the fact that I thought about applying for university in Scotland, which I later realized I do not have the funds for, but I am still very glad I did so and I am planning on reading more of that stuff and experiment more.

In May I went to see Shawn Mendes in concert, and even though the people around me were not giving away great concert and singing vibes at all, I still had the best time, and I am still muchly in love with Shawn's album and also James TW's music.

I also spent loads of time with my godchild, which I adore, I spent hours and hours driving through my area blasting out Harry's and Niall's album or whatever the hell was on the radio. There were BBQs on the river, shopping trips to Frankfurt and amusement parks. Basically I took the year to spend a lot more time with my friends, and I really enjoyed that.

And then, at the start of June the long-awaited day finally came, and I went off on an adventure I shall never forget. For a whole month I lived in central Brighton with a sweet, elderly couple and also did work experience in tourism. I was always scared I couldn't work in a company that only speaks English, even if my English isn't bad, but let me tell you - I loved it, even if sometimes I just couldn't wait to get out of there for the day. Although I don't really think that was due to the place I worked at. The team was really really lovely and I enjoyed working with them, but if you are living in Brighton for just one month and you love traveling, you just want to go out and explore. And I did do a lot of that. Not as much as I thought I would, but you know what, I can always go back, and I am really happy with what I did get to see and experience. 

Nevertheless, I did still see a lot of new places and make a lot of new experiences, and particularly, ticked a lot of things off of my bucket list. I mean I was always joking about how my perfect way of meeting Danielle Peazer would be getting to dance and work out with her - well, guess who did exactly that all in one evening, after almost having a melt down because all trains were delayed and I had to practically sprint straight to London from my first day at work. It was the best night ever, and even though I knew no one else, I had so much fun, and I loved meeting Danielle and talking to her. That's definitely an experience I would love to re-live.

I went to London a few times. I saw the Queen, Kate, William, the kids, everyone, I explored new parts of London, I explored all of Brighton that I could, spent hours at the beach and strolling through the supermarket and WHSmiths. I'm really grateful I got to experience that month. England just makes me so happy, and whatever the hell I eventually turn out to do during my gap year, I am most definitely going back to Brighton, because it somehow feels like my second home now.

I came back home to a whole of six weeks ahead of me, which I loved spending with my friends during game nights, in the park, amusement parks, shopping or whatever the hell else we did.

And I also got to tick off something else of my bucket list - going to Greece. I have been wanting to go ever since I was really young, so when I finally persuaded my parents and we decided to go to Greece in the Summer, I was pretty much over the moon. Even though we didn't explore as much of Crete as I would have liked to, due to the location of our (awesome!) hotel, I still had a fab time. It's such a pretty country and I would love to explore more of it in the future.

Some time after the new school year started we also went to London and Bournemouth on our last ever school trip, and we had a fab time, even though it definitely not go completely smoothly. When you have the right people to spend your time with, not even bad weather or curfews can destroy your trip. I wish I could go back to that time.

I went to see my favourite German comedian, went to the book fair and met some authors, got close to a special person, went on an Autumn photography trips and took a billion weird Snapchat photos.

And throughout all of that I still went to school and had a heck of a lot to do with exams and homework, but in a few months time that will all be over, and I'm probably going to miss always having something to do for school. I just love working too much sometimes I guess. Yeah, I know, I'm weird.

The year ended with celebrating my birthday with my favourite people, a pretty relaxing Christmas, seeing "The Greatest Showman" in the cinema and a New Year's party, so overall I'd say, there were still many fun and successful moments of 2017.

I probably missed a lot because I literally just scrolled through my camera roll and I didn't take pictures of everything I did but oh well, I guess you'll do just about fine with what you've got.

GOALS FOR 2018

I have concluded not to write down a bunch of goals I want to achieve this year, because in the end, I'm not going to do half of these things anyway. In past years I put stuff on that list like wanting to work out 6 days a week, eat healthier, read 40 books and write 5,000 words per week, and as much as that's great, I just don't feel like it works for me right now.

You know how many times I have worked out so far this year? I think I did about 3 yoga videos. You know how many healthy things I've had since the start of the year? I've had salad twice and a little bit of fruit to snack on once. Apart from that I have been living on whatever the hell I've been craving. And you know what - I'm fucking fine with it. I do feel better when I work out, and I enjoy that feeling after a really good workout and seeing yourself getting more toned, but I don't want to spend my life constantly thinking about how toned my abs are. If I want a fucking burger, I'm gonna have that fucking burger and not give a fuck about whether I'll bloat afterwards or how it isn't exactly healthy. If I want a burger, so be it. If I want a salad, so be it. If I just want to stuff my face with whatever food I find all day, so be it. Not feeling like working out for two weeks straight? Fine with that. Feeling like signing up to a gym again and going to all the classes in a week? Fine too.

In the past few years I have spent way too much time restricting myself and giving myself "orders" in terms of fitness and food. I don't want to do that anymore. Yes, your health is important. But health means physical and mental health, and if those two aren't cooperating, it's just not healthy. Does that make any sense? I hope it does.

So then what are my plans for 2018 you might think? To sum it up in few words, I would basically just say I want to live my life however the fuck I want, I want to do everything that makes me happy, I want to find love for my passions again, I want to love life and stop worrying about everything. I just want to enjoy my life this year, and make sure that I get my mental health back up there. Life is too short to worry about everything. This year I just want to enjoy myself and live the best life I can. I now realize that this must sound kinda cringey maybe, but so be it.

Talking about goals, I had actually planned on going to bed a little earlier tonight because I wasn't really feeling it, even though I had been staying up until about 3am in the past few days. Well, it's already 1.20am, and I could probably still be writing down for hours if I let myself, but we all know I don't do short texts anyway, so I better not let myself keep writing for too long, because you are probably bored out already. If not, thank you very much haha.

Concerning this blog, I don't know what I am going to do. I would like to think that I will finally start blogging properly again, but I am not going to promise anything. I had a really good time on this blog in the past two years, even if I haven't really uploaded much since I went to England, but I just need to overcome my fear of this taunting blank page right now, and also find out what it is that I want to talk about on this blog. There might be some topic changes compared to what there was before, there might not be. I am not sure yet. I also won't give myself an uploading schedule as long as my A-Level exams are still in eye-sight. But I'd like to think that over the next few months I will find my way back to this blog a few more times than in the past few weeks, because I really enjoy dropping my thoughts into the world, and I do love writing, even though I have barely done so in the past few months. I just need to find the way back to myself and find out what I want and need, so we'll see how that goes. Right now, as I am writing this, I have to say that this is awfully satisfying to do so again, but I am almost sure it will take me a lot of motivation to start another plain document in the next few days so let's see about that.

EXITING PLANS

Apart from talking about resolutions and blogging, there is also some other stuff happening in 2018 that are both exiting and scary to think of.

This is the year, that after 13 years of school, tremendous loads of homework, exams, tears, drama and all that goes along with it, I will (if all goes to plan, which I think it hopefully will) finish school this Summer. It's so weird to think that I am not going to go back there, but instead start something completely knew. I mean, yes, uni is still kind of similar, but it's still a big step. There's still a road ahead before I will finally set off into the proper working world, but still, it's a big step.

And with finishing my A-Levels also comes the thought of what I am going to do after that. I am going to be taking a gap year, that I am sure of. What exactly my plans will be, that is still in the works, but I shall let you know, once all is in secure sheets.

Apart from that I have already got a trip to Bulgaria planned with people from school, which will happen shortly after we get our certificates, and a Paris and Sweden trip are in the works as well.

Oh and I am going to turn 20 this year! What the freaking heck? How did that happen? Didn't I get that lego box for my 4th birthday like yesterday? I'm still not ready to adult - heeeeelp!

I'm exited to see what the year will bring. A lot is going to change, that is for sure, but I am hoping that these changes will be for the best. I mean, fate better know what its plans are for me. I am scared of the time after my A-Levels, scared of loosing touch with people who have found a very dear place in my heart, scared of what will happen to me and what I will do or will not do. It's scary to think of, but I am just going to try and make the best of whatever life throws at me. I want to make 2018 better than 2017. I am grateful for everything that happened to me in 2017, because it shaped me, but I am exited to work even harder to live my life to the fullest this year. I'm ready for you 2018, bring it on!

What are your goals for 2018? What are you looking forward to? 

I hope you have a fabulous year!

Love, Jacqueline Xx

A Road of New Chances and Choices: 2017

Happy New Year everyone!

Or at least, let's do our best to make it a happy one, and our best year yet. I have to admit, I am a true believer in some good New Years Resolutions. Not everyone gets that, but I for sure know that some people out there reading this do actually feel like I do.

One thing is for sure - the first day of a new year is just another day of our lives. Yet, even if it's just another day, it feels like the best time to make a cut to some things and use this opportunity to start new habits, try new things and refresh stuff you have not been putting enough time and effort into before.

Throughout the years some things that you had once put on your New Year's Resolution List are going to feel natural to be part of your every day life, whether you realize it or not. Some you will define further over the years, about others you will realize, that you have learned better than to set this goal, because experiences taught you differently. Some will take time, some will be very easy for you to pick up on.

You've got 365 chances to make your 2017 the best you can. Try your hardest to make the most of it. Laugh, scream, cry, dance, run, kiss, fall, make mistakes, make memories, live in the moment. Wow, that was a little cheesy, wasn't it? Sorry, for that, felt right. 😝

For once I actually started thinking about my New Year's Resolutions a little earlier than usual, though that was definitely not planned. I hope I've put enough thought into them, because I really tried setting realistic goals for once. Let's hope I'll actually maintain them throughout the year. But I guess that's a whole other story that we will need to talk about at the end of the year.

1 Make better use of time

I seriously suck at this. I am the kind of person that will read a message that I am either not sure what to answer to, or I tell myself I don't know what to answer even though I'm actually just scared of stupid stuff, and leave the answer for hours. Throughout these hours I will rethink a thousand ways to answer correctly and it only stresses me out. I definitely need to stop that, and the same counts for other things I keep putting off doing. I want to work on them when they come up and need to be done, and not wait until last minute.

2 Write 5,000 words a week

Last year I set myself the goal to write one other book apart from the one during NaNoWriMo. I definitely failed at that goal, but as I always complain to myself about how I do not spend enough time writing and working on my style, I decided to opt for something different this year. Maybe a more pricise goal will work, because I have got a certain amount I need to achieve each week. 5,000 isn't that much, but it's also not too much because I know otherwise I would find way to many excuses, especially when exam season is coming up.

3 Read 40 Books

I did manage to read 30 books in 2016, which I am happy with, but I know I can do a lot more, considering that I probably used to read 30 books each month when I was younger. So this year I am going for 10 more than last year, even though I will probably have less time to read this year, but I am going to try my best.

4 Worker smarter, not harder

This point is mainly about school stuff, but I guess I can incooperate it into my daily life too from time to time. Sometimes I will start getting stressed about not having started to study earlier, and I will cramp every little thing in somewhere in my timetable to do the most possible. Sometimes, especially whilst I am studying for Maths, I will keep calculating excersices that I have already done, understood and accomplished a thousand times, instead of focusing on the ones that I actually need to work on. So this year is not about stressing myself to work harder and harder, but to do it in a smarter way without as much stress.

5 Earn & save some money

I have got a few things planned for the next few years, concerning a gap year, uni and something else, so it's only the right decision to earn and save some money this year for all of those things. I am not saying that I will restrict myself every time I feel like I want to treat myself to a little something, sometimes I actually do need things like a bunch of new jeans because I have definitely not got enough. I have never been one to spent tons of money because I really do think about whether I need that and whether it's worth the price and use, but I can still work on that, and by that make my future a little easier maybe.

6 Worry less, enjoy life

We all worry way too much in our everyday lives, and it's time that I try my best to worry a little less. It's human nature to worry sometimes, but sometimes we just need to let things happen, because I guess they always do happen for a reason.

7 One post in stressy weeks, two in all others

In the past few months I let myself go way too much when it came to posting twice a week, sometimes I posted once in two weeks. School was definitely a reason for that, but I love this blog, and I don't want school to destroy everything that I love doing. If it's definitely not doable in a certain week, okay, I'll not stress myself about it and not do a post that week maybe, but I need to stop putting it off (see number 1). This year I will try everything to do one post in stressy weeks, but two in all others, especially during the Summer break.

8 Finish things I have started and will start

I've gotten better at this, but I there are still quite a few times when I fail at it too. For example, I started trying to teach myself Swedish at the end of 2015, and I really lacked at maintaining that after the first third of 2016, even though I really want to learn it. So that's something to work on.

9 Figure what I want to do after the gap year

I've known for many years that I would like a gap year after school, but that is going to start next year. However, I have got no idea what I want to do afterwards. At the moment I am still quite sure that I am going to go to Uni, but I don't even know what to study because I have so many interests and also not all things I am interested in I will be able to get a good job with afterwards. This year I want to finally find out what I want to do and kind of decide, so that I can go away next year without worrying about what I am going to do and where I will have to apply to.

10 More Focused Workouts

Gladly, I don't have to put on here that I want to work out more or start working out, I accomplished that resolution two years ago, which I am quite glad about, to be honest. However I have been lacking a bit at focusing on all body parts and instead did whatever I felt like doing, which is mainly HIIT and Abs. So, that's something to work on this year. Each day of the week I want to focus on a different part of the body.

11 Finish the NaNoWriMo 2016 book and a second draft

Last year I had set myself the goal to write another book apart from the NaNoWriMo one, but I failed at that, because I just kept putting it off, as much as I love to write. Starting a new project on a white page can be quite scary sometimes I guess. This year I am not aiming to start another project before NaNoWriMo, though I am not even sure whether I will be able to do that this year as it's in the middle of A Level preparations, but I will try my hardest to finish the last NaNo project and a second draft. I am not sure how much of a realistic goal it is to also finish a second draft, being the person I am, but I am going to try my best.

12 Try New Stuff

Don't think there's much needed to be said about this. It's always good to step out and try some new things to incooperate into your life, so that's something else to do this year, even if it's just trying out some new foods or stepping completely out of your comfort zone to do something.

13 Explore more

I love travelling, and I did do some exploring in 2016, but definitely not as much as I had planned to do. Especially this Summer, where I will hopefully not have as much to do for School, I really want to work on this. I am very likely to take my camera on all of these trips that I want to make, so I guess you will find out when I do it on here. I've also got two trips planned, maybe three, so I am very exited for hopefully loads of pretty photography happening on here this year. Get exiteeeed!

14 Live in the moment

I am one of those people that always gets exited about thinking about her future and planning things, but I often forget to live in the moment and live every day as if it's my last one. Yes, you should think about your future in life, but we should all never forget that one it will be to late to do all of those things you want to do.

15 Worry/Stress less, enjoy life

Last but not least, I had to make that part of my goals. I stress myself a lot, especially when it comes to my time management. I really need to stop doing that because it only puts my mood down and stresses me out so much. I also worry about a lot of things like whether I said the right thing to someone, sometimes even whether I used the right emoji or whether I am buying the right bunch of sausages, and if not, what will the other person's reaction be. It's ridiculous, and I need to stop that because it really puts me down quite often. So here's to doing that differently.

16 Learn and use more vocabulary

I don't know how much it's noticeable in my posts, but I am often stuck for better words so I keep using the same ones. My English isn't horrible, but I definitely want to learn some new vocabs and also make use of them, especially on this blog, because I think that way I will be a lot happier with the stuff that I talk about and it might also help me in school.

I do realize that these are quite a few goals, but I guess some I could have put into one point, but there's a reason I didn't do that, because that would give me excuses not to do certain things and do them exactly the way I don't want to do them.

I also want to eat more healthy but I didn't think it is that necessary to put onto this list because apart from the weeks close to Christmas I don't usually eat that horrible. Bet you, next year it will be back on my list because I kept eating shit in 2017 or something haha. I love the motivation everyone finds to better themselves as people and make themselves happier by making these resolutions at the beginning of the year.

A lot of resolutions won't be completely followed, but if you even followed one, whether you realized it or not, I think that's amazing and prooves that they actually work.

If you have not set yourself some goals for this year, even if it's just one simple goal like taking more care about yourself or something, do it now. Now is the the time to do it. Not because this is like a big cut in your life but because a new year still is kind of an opportunity for a new start, and at this time you will not only find the most motivation yourself, but there are also many other people out there that are wanting to achieve the same, or at least similar, things to you.

Do you have any New Year's Resolutions? If so, I really hope that they work out for you. I wish you the best of luck. I wish everyone an amazing 2017. Let's make it a good one.

Lots of love,

Jacqueline Xx